Saturday, July 21, 2007Y
11:41 PM
as for purpose of tis post here is mainly for my baby to read.. if u feel tat its too long or it doesnt concern u.. u can dun waste ur time reading it.. i dunno if u will be coming to my blog n read anot.. but if u do come n read below is the tings i hav wanted to say to u..finally back hm after a tiring day.. n i feel tat today is the worse day i hav ever gone thru.. totally got no mood to do anything.. there arent any expression on my face either.. my frens are all saying im so lifeless.. like as if im a living dead.. i dunno y i will lidat too.. i dun wish to be lidat oso de.. but i jus cant control myself.. had been quiet for the whole day.. not talking to anyone at all.. even to my officers.. i oso nv ask them any qns when thry ask mi.. jus dunno wat to say n talk abt.. it jus aint myself..
due to mi being unable to slp last nite.. i tink over lots of tings last nite.. i can say almost everything.. all the way starting from the yr 2003.. when i get to noe irene.. till we stop contacting each other due to certain reason.. till i went in.. den i came out.. nth good has ever happen to mi till now.. except for the time when i get to noe u.. tings started to change for the better.. i started to realise was is the true meaning of living in tis world.. it aint abt fighting n killing one another anymore.. not like the past anymore.. n thus i started to change for the better too.. till now i hav been tyring my best to turn over a new leave..
was tinking for the whole nite.. till wat time i dunno.. until im having headache for the whole day.. im still tinking.. those happy moments we hav had tgt wif each other.. those bad times when we pull thru tgt.. time n time again u help mi n gave mi lots of support.. rly appreciate them alot.. n if wif out u.. the melvin today will nv be here.. i wont still be like the same like wat im in the past.. lots of ppl hav say i hav change alot.. its not like wat im in the past.. they would even say its a mircale tat someone can cos such a big change in mi in such a short time..
tinking of wat i say abt u last nite.. n tinking of wat u reply tis morning.. i feel tat i hav got no rites to make u change jus bcos of mi.. its being veri selfish of mi to do so.. i myself hav not done much for u too.. like wat u were saying.. i promise to quit smoking n change my temper.. but till now i hav not even fully do it.. n yea.. i agree wif wat u say.. but i hope u shld noe tat im already trying my best to change le.. i dun wanna break those promise i made to u.. i rember i once told u b4.. promises are made to be kept n not to be broken.. n im gonna keep to my words for tat.. i aint going to break any promises i made to u.. n i will nv ever do so.. wat i say i will do it.. but i jus nd more time.. quitting smoking aint veri easy.. n for my temper it aint easy too.. i hav been lidat for lots of yrs le.. so i will nd to take sometime b4 i can totally change everything..
i noe i hav wrong u ytd nite.. i shld not hav say u r playing game when i din even cfm tat u r.. but the feeling i had ytd was so sucky.. when u hang up my fone tat time.. i was jus lying on bed n jus wanna say good nite to u.. at first i din noe tat u hav hang up.. n i said good nite n keep calling out for u.. its onli when i find it so quiet tat i c my hp den i noe tat u hav hang up already.. i tried calling u back.. but u din pick up too.. n b4 u hang up u said u wanna go play game le.. tats y i will tink tat u hav gone to play game..
i noe audi is the onli entertainment for u now when im not ard wif u.. but at times i jus rly feel neglect.. i noe now i can hardly spend much time wif u anymore.. especially after i got post out from kranji.. i dun wan tis to happen too de.. but i rly got no choice n there is nth i can do abt it.. i noe its selfish of mi to ask u stop playing when i got time for u.. but all i wan was to spend more time wif u as much as i can to make up for those lost.. i hope u can understand wat im going thru now.. im not trying to control u or ur lifestyle.. jus try to imagine if u were mi n can hardly spend time wif mi.. but when u r free n im now addictted to playing game tat sometime i will get so engross into it.. thus making the time we hav tgt even lesser.. how will u feel if u were mi.. wat im meaning isnt saying tat u r in the wrong.. i dun blame u for becoming lidat.. jus wan u to noe how im feeling..
for those smses ting.. u shld noe wat im talking abt.. i noe tat calling all those name were jus play play onli.. n i trust tat u wont do mi wrong.. but its jus tat i get rly uncomfortable when i c it.. n i dun rly like the feeling of it.. i rember u said.. they are now like wat we r in the past.. ur close frens.. but i dunno y i jus dun like it when i c it.. tats y sometime my mood will turn from good to bad all of a sudden.. not tat im checking on u.. i dun like checking on ppl de.. its when sometimes i browse thru i n get to c.. like for example.. i believe tat baby oso wont like it if u c mi calling those name wif others de rite?? so its abt the same as how i will feel..
as for the rest.. its okie le.. i agree tat u did stick to our solution.. talks n games on alternate nite.. im veri happy tat u r willing to scarifice tat for mi.. it might be hard for u now.. so im not rushing u into anything.. u can slowly take ur time to adapt to it.. i wont mind abt it de.. i seriously do mean it.. although sometimes i still aint quite use to it when u keep play games.. but u shld noe after awhile i jiu will be okie le.. i too nd time to adapt to the changes.. i noe i cant oways keep tings like wat or how they r in the past.. so im trying my best now to adapt to new changes.. n i understand tat once tings started to change.. its veri hard for them to go back to wat they r like in the past anymore.. n from now onwards i will not try to change anything anymore.. i will jus follow wif the flow n adapt to it as much as i can..
n lastly of all.. i noe sometimes i talk i tend to sound unhappy when im talking.. i may haix or watever.. but i dun mean any bad de.. n after awhile i jiu will be okie le.. u shld noe tis.. on external i may seem strong.. but actually rite inside mi im jus as soft as a jelly.. how would i bear to do anything tat would hurt u.. everytime when i feel tat i hv done something tat hurt u i will feel veri bad.. jus like tis morning.. i noe tat i hav wrong u.. n till now im still feeling so bad abt myself.. i feel tat i hav not taken the effort to care for u enuf.. i feel being so selfish of myself.. i feel so useless to not understand u.. n up till now.. i hav nv lost any trust in u.. neither din i ever dun believe wat u told mi.. i do trust n believe each n every single ting u tell mi..
after all tis tat i hav said.. i hope u can n do understand wat im trying to say.. i might look bad n hav been bad in the past.. but i believe i can be good oso de.. n im willing to do any changes jus for the sake of u.. let us once again overcome all tis like wat we use to okie?? so i hope baby will take tis few days time to relax n rest urself n tink abt wat i hav said.. hopefully everything will be okie n back to normal soon bahx.. *prays tat everything will turn out fine* *prays hard*
n as for now.. im sure gonna miss my baby lots.. cos tml we wont be coming out anymore.. n maybe for the next whole week oso.. so yea.. hearts baby lots.. n im truefully sorry for everything ting tat i hav done tat has hurt u.. im sorry..